I simply convert my words to writing to you "my dear diary" whilst applying with the rules guiding our new found bond 'not to doubt each other's capabilities, do not be hesitant, and be in control.'
I sat in the centre of my now quiet room except for the faint humming sound of my four months old LG standing fan at the left corner of my room, on my favourite single but lonely sofa, wearing my friend 'the short pink night gown', legs crossed underneath my firm enormous thighs which served as a foundation for my pillar hands supporting my head which in turn harboured my closed eyes, the other hand also bearing my pen like it was my lost sword. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I was aware of the only presence with me 'my diary' (a welcomed one at that). I thought tonight as a special one for me, I am specially honoured to have you with me as a I begin this journey.
Tension and anxiety piled up that was a reminiscent of Naja Naja the Indian Cobra coiled and ready to spring. As a 'little girl' I hoped for a better tomorrow, though a lot of tomorrows came, but so much that I always thought it was my yesterdays playing trick on me yet again. They weren't as bright as I always hear people say they were, it was vaguely distant because I hid away from each new day. When I walk by people, I don't stare, and when I stare, I turn away almost immediately. Ears itching to hear painful slurs and ill-will comments that comes from fellow creatures roaming around. I don't open my smiling set of dentition for too long anymore, all because I am afraid of been weirdly mocked in return. I rarely notice the people that walk by so that I don't draw the expected attention too easily towards me (they always came either ways).
Oh! I hear whispers of friendship and relationship, Questions asked? Were they not there? Oh surely! They were! Loitering as always, on and off just like that. I thought I would take solace in each letters of 'friend' and 'relation' but never knew reality will struck me pretty hard on the face so much that the scares that remain crowded my fierce but unadventured spirit; I lived through each word, I learnt more than just the frames of those words. There were times I used to think the only thing that revolves around my world was my jiggling fat. Yes, friends were there but only in trends that won't hesitate to fade and remain stale after each needed encounter. They were pretty good at being the negativity that I once in a while try to suppress. They were really good with the way they structure their 'is' nd 'was' that Left me no choice to bother reading meaning into their consolatory words and kind gestures (that's what they called it). I heed to their evidence of consolation like they will always tel me if am trying find pity that I should probably look 'somewhere else'. Reluctantly 'somewhere else' I sought, although I knew I wanted more to this unfathomable life. I mean there has to be more to it all. Even in my most dearest state, I yearned and hoped for a better 'one day' atleast. Like the proverbial dog I yearned for the fattest bone even though my world presented me with just bone fractures.
Those were my last conscious thought before the world turned upside down amidst the thundering sounds of dereliction, desertion, failure, contemptuous, despised, helpless humanity. I woke up to a world different from the one I used to know, then there were only fragments of words like believe, achieve and so on. I began to hear voices, forming half sentences and clipped short-hand phrases like a 'new dawn', 'new me', 'new beginning', 'second chance', 'whole new world', 'new everything', 'trusted friend', 'my dear diary',...
I jostled back to reality that once coalesced into shadows. Trust was never an option in any stage of this game (life), that is what I now view it as, because looking back now I won in every level, came out slaying every stage triumphantly though with scares, burns, cuts but what matters now is that I wasn't a looser. I might have failed and faltered but I tried my best, I believed even though they gave me no reason to, without realising it till I met you 'my dear diary', I had no choice but to deliver my confidence in these wavering and fluttering pages that assume a vital role in my being. Now I can proudly flip my dress before the mirror, adore my curves and accept my flaws, knowing that you can admire me and adorn me with lots of deserved compliments, pleasure my ears with sweet soft whispers of praise, hope in each turn of this life which will give me words that I can consciously present to the world's view and they can still enter a reading contest with, aid me even if I falter or fall on my ways. Now 'my dear diary' I am so thrilled to share with you all that I never would with anyone. You gave my willpower meter a strong boost, that I proudly scored a brilliant 10/10. You don't only give me titbits of freedom but you also engrace me with the long awaited ideas to override my fussiness effectively. Now my mind is in the positive frame and right realm of thinking where I view myself in a positive way and confidence no longer a struggle for me, all because of the strength you gave me to fight my insecurities and deal with them equally. You gave me the avenue to clear my mindset of all the miscellany that add to issues of my self esteem, my obsession with you can never be debilitating to my confidence because I owe it all to you and i appreciate you 'my dear diary', you allowed me be the initiator and you the moderator, now you drive me wild dear diary and not pretending because we dare not leave that door without each other, not anymore....we walk like lovers(lols). *The perfect cliche*
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